i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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