she woke up with a sticky ear
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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