Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
