my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Did you just see the Batmobile???
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
