Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
