our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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