you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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