You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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