Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
