Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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