I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
