If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
