I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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