I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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