What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
