I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
