Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
