Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
