My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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