allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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