Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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