Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
So many bounce houses so little time
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
