If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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