He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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