just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
