i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
