He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize