before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
