Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
