Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
