am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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