i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
