The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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