Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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