I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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