Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
