Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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