new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
