Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
