mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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