The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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