I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
