I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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