Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
