I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
