My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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