Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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