She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
