since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
