The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
