i think i have two assholes
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
