you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
someone owes me an orgasm
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
