never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
