Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you didnt know i had herpes?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
