There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Did we literally take a cab across the street
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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