Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
