Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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