First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
